The Real Death Of Superman
Posted Friday, September 27, 2002 at 11:31 AM Central
by John Couture
It's not normally my style to rattle off spoiler-type material in my articles as if it's an indication of my movie-geekiness. I think movies should be experienced tabula rosa, with a clean slate. In fact, some days I wish I could enter a movie theater without knowing the intricate plot points in advance. Unfortunately, the last movie I can remember where that was the case was The Matrix. Perhaps, that's why I remember it so fondly.
As a casual viewer, you're lucky because you can avoid most of it by simply refusing to log on. I, on the other hand, lose my soul to temptation while surfing for news stories when juicy inside information is given for next Summer's huge sequel. Before entering the theater, I know who dies. I know who lives. I know that I'll never get those two hours back, but I go regardless because going to a movie is one of those singular experiences that touches everyone in different ways.
Forgive me for getting emotional on you, but I have seen something that I think will change all of that. Something so bad, that it might alter the way a whole generation of movie-goers watch movies. At this point, if you don't want to know anything about the new Superman movie, I suggest that you hit 'Back' on your browser. For the rest of you, you're about to see how it's possible to really kill an American Icon.
*Spoiler*
Now, let me preface this by saying that I'm not a big comic book fan. Sure, my extreme adoration of everything that Kevin Smith touches does tend to get me put in that category. But, honestly, I couldn't tell you what the inside of a comic book store looks like. But, I do know that comic book movies are huge right now. You've got the X-Men movies, Spider-Man, Daredevil and The Hulk, just to name a few. And, I know that Superman is the king.
With that in mind, I was skeptical when I first heard reports that there was a scathing script review on a very popular movie rumor site. I just figured that the comic nerds were bent out of shape over some minor change like the side that Clark Kent parts his hair. Boy, was I mistaken. Now, mind you this is all hearsay and I'm holding out hope that there will be a major re-write, but the gears at Warner are already working their spin control magic.
They're completely re-writing Superman's heritage. They're taking major liberties with characters. And, perhaps the most outrageous, we find out that Superman isn't the only Krypton native that has been living among us all these years.
Here's a rundown of the major offenses:
* Krypton doesn't blow up. In fact, it's a thriving, lush planet. Yes, there is civil unrest that forces Jor-El to send his son away in a rocket, but it's not catastrophic. In fact, his parents don't die. At least not in the beginning, but I'll get to that in a minute. It really takes away from the whole orphan, life of vengeance storyline. Let alone makes it a little more tricky to explain the existence of Kryptonite.
* They introduce Gotham City to the Superman universe without even a nod to Batman. This on its own is probably excusable, a bit lame, but excusable. In the grand scheme of the movie, it's outright repulsive.
* Most of the intense fight scenes, and trust me they are intense, involve aerial martial arts. Again, this isn't being faithful to the character, but in the post-Matrix world, I can learn to accept it. As long as they don't bring Keanu Reeves on board as some people are reporting.
* The introduction of a "Prophecy" sotryline. Basically, according to Jor-El (tentatively set to played by Anthony Hopkins, about the only thing they got right) his son is the chosen one who must be sent away to a distant planet and will return victorious to save Krypton. At this point, bringing back the Super Monkey or the Super Horse sounds like a better idea to me. But, they want a new trilogy, so I'll buy it. I'm easy like that.
* If you thought the Jar-Jar Binks "doo-doo jokes" in Phantom Menace were bad. Be prepared to be taken down that road again, there is Superman Super Doo Doo jokes in the script. Apparently, baby Clark's poop stench is also magnified by the powerful yellow sun on Earth.
* The writer of the latest draft is none other than J.J. Abrams himself. You might not immediately recognize his name, but you're sure to recognize his work. He's the brianchild behind the hit TV shows 'Felicity' and 'Alias.' Needless to say, Lois Lane and Clark Kent meet during a college kegger in which Lois kicks some bully's butt who's picking on Clark.
* The biggest atrocity has to be how they decided to handle Superman's nemesis Lex Luthor. First, they strip him of his worldly fortunes. Next, they cast him as a Mulder-esque X-Files ripoff, complete with alien paranoia and a government job. He's the head of top secret CIA division responsible for, yup you guessed it, aliens and UFO activity. Oh, but there's more to it than that.
* The script also decides to make rather obvious hints that Jimmy Olsen is gay. They describe him as effiminate at one point and joke about his boyfriend. Now, this could be an interesting devolution into the relationship between Clark and Jimmy and certain fallacies. But, it basically boils down to comic relief, which makes it hard to swallow.
* They even go so far as to mess up his suit. I mean seriously, with the exception of putting bat nipples on it, it's really hard to mess this part up. But, they did. According to the script, the suit is something that resembles The Tuxedo more than the tradition Superman suit. It's basically a thinking suit capable of giving him flying powers. So much for the super human idea.
* Apparently, the Kents were specifically chosen to raise Superman by Jor-El himself. Probably during one of those jaunts to Earth for those abduction-probing alien experiments.
* Superman dies in a valiant way of course. But still, he dies. Now get this, his father senses his son's death across the universe and decides that he has to talk him out of it. Don't ask me, at this point, I couldn't be making this up. A long story short, he commits suicide so that he can join his son in Heaven. Once there, he convinces Superman that he's the chosen one and can't die. So, Clark rises from the dead. I know the Catholic League isn't going to like this idea.
* And finally, in one of those "She's really a dude, man" type of moments. At the pinnacle of the movie, it's revealed that Lex Luthor is really from Krypton and he possesses all the same powers as Superman. That's really the last straw. I mean after this, you lose basically all the human element of the movie.
As you can see, this movie certainly takes its fair share of risks. But, in the opinion of this moviegoer, I don't think anyone wants to see this movie. Superman is as American as baseball and apple pie. To alter him like this, is to alter the very fabric of everything we cherish from our childhood.