Monkey-fighting snakes: Proof that movies edited for TV are a bad thing (video+)

Posted Monday, April 20, 2009 at 3:07 PM Central

by Tim Briscoe

The ganger over at /Film posted the following video excerpt from Snakes on a Plane. It's the pivotal scene in SOAP where Samuel L. Jackson utters his now famous, F bomb-filled line.

The difference with this video is that it's taken from the film's showing on FX. The basic cable network edited the scene for language and this is the unexpectedly hilarious result. (I assure you, this is completely safe for work.)

Let this be a lesson to you people, don't expect a quality experience watching an R-rated movie on broadcast or basic cable TV. The content is severely edited, filled with commercials, and, unless you're watching it in HD, the film has been panned-and-scanned all to hell... Ooops, excuse me, I mean "heck."

If you stumble upon a movie on TV that strikes your interest, do yourself a favor and rent the DVD.

Do you have any examples of other R-rated movies whose language has been hilariously edited for broadcast TV? I'd love to hear the altered lines. Send 'em in.

Updates: I promise we'll have 'real' comments on our site soon enough

I have two edited lines that I always loved on Comedy Central: 1) From The Big Lebowski when Walter is smashing the car with the golf club and saying, "this is what happens when you f*** a stranger in the a**" well on Comedy Central Walter says, "this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps." Makes me laugh everytime.

2) The other is from Half Baked at the end of the movie when Dave Chappelle says, "I love weed, I love it, but not as much as I love pussy." Great line and a funny way to end the movie. On Comedy Central though it ends with, "I love weed, but not as much as I love pudding." Priceless
--Anthony

In the film Lethal Weapon 4, as it is shown in it's entirety. There is a scene in the film when Riggs and Murtaugh first meet Jet Li's character. In the unedited film, Riggs cause him an asshole several times. I never thought that a network would ever edit a movie badly enough, that I would hear the words "poopy pants" come out of Mel Gibson's mouth.
--Tim in Charleston, WV

I love watching to see how badly movies are edited for TV. My all time favorite 2 are from the TBS airings of the Die Hard films. In part 2, when McLane kills the bad guys and utters his famous line Yippie Kay Ay, he ends it with Mr. Falcon. This is funny because never once, does McLane hear the other villains call the main villain by his code name "Falcon." The other one is from Die Hard With a Vengeance when Samuel L. Jackson (NEVER WATCH ONE OF HIS MOVIES CENSORED!) keeps calling McLane a "Crazy white melon farmer."
--Shane in NC

In Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Bruce Willis' famous "Yippie Ki-Yay Mother Fucker!" is replaced with "Yippie Ki-Yay Mister Falcon!" for the television edit.

In The Faculty television edit, almost every time Josh Hartnett says "fuck" it's replaced with "freak." So you get several "FREAK!" and even one "Freak You!"
--Nathan in Mena, AR

Several years ago I turned on CBS and it was playing Do the Right Thing. Every time 'motherfucker' was said in the movie, it was changed to 'mickeyfickey'. Needless to say, mickeyfickey was spoken many times in the movie. That has always cracked me up!
--Shawn in San Luis Obispo, CA

This is going back a ways, but the worst example of a editing ruining a film I remember was the 1980 Maxwell Smart film, The Nude Bomb. When the film aired on TV, they didn't just edit out the naughty language, not that there was much profanity, they edited out the double ententdres.

Two examples that stood out. In the original, Max puts his revolver in the front of his pants, the gun goes off, he turns around, we hear a zipper, and he turns back around. "Missed it by that much." In the TV version that becomes "Missed the bone by that much."

Second example, the Control "Q" guy, calls in saying he will be back at Control in 30 minutes. "If you need to reach me before that, you can reach me on my jock strap, but for God's sake, only ring once" In the TV version it's the same, except jock strap has became "throat spray".

Maybe that's the reason they changed the title from Nude Bomb to The Return of Maxwell Smart.

That has bothered me for almost 30 years. Thank God for monkey fighting HBO and Monday to Friday Showtime!!!
--Michael in Bronx, NY

The Big Lebowski, when Walter yells "This is what happens when you f*** a stranger in the a**!"

The TV version says "This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"
--Robert in Houston, TX

The Big Lebowski edited for television. absolutely hilarious.

--Mike in Bridgewater, NJ

The famous line from the Die Hard serious: Yippie-kay-yay mother@#$%er has been brutalized hilariously. My favorites: Yippie kay yo kay yay! (This one's funniness is do to the complete disregard for lips)

The all time great: Yippie kay yay Mr. Falcon! 'Nuff said
--Zach in Mount Pleasant, SC

I remember watching a USA showing of "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" where Spiccoli called Mr. Hand a "sloppy nerd". I think that really takes the cake, don't you? ;-)
--Michael in Leesburg, FL

First off, love your site. I saw that Old School was on tv the other night. I tuned in just in time for the first "Ear Muffs" scene, when Vince is explaining to the guys the use of ear muffs for his child to block their choice words. To test this out, Will Ferrell shouts out "Cock... Balls!" However in the tv edit, he yells, "Cotton... Balls." Knowing what was replaced, made it nearly as funny.
--Jeff in Marysville, OH

My favorite change was with The Big Lebowski where John Goodman thinks the kid stole their money and spent it on a car. In the original he screams, "This is what happens when you f-ck a stranger in the ass! and has been changed to "This is what happens when you Fight a Stranger in the Alps! You see what happens, Larry? This is what happens when you Feed a Stoner Scrambled Eggs!"
--Ryan in Zion, IL

I find the racial implications of "Monkey-fighting Snakes" worse than the original line.

The Big Lebowski is a great source for redubs: "find a stranger in the alps" and its alternate: "feed a stoner scrambled eggs" are good ones.
--Jason in Minneapolis, MN

One of my very favorite movies is "Dazed and Confused" - it's hilarious, but very R-rated. USA network sometimes shows the movie, and I think it's too funny how they edit out the extremely strong language to fit a TV-14 rating. My favorite line ever: in the R-rated version, Ben Affleck screams, "You're dead, you worthless sacks of sh*t!". In the TV version, he screams, "You're dead, you worthless sacks of dirt!" Other colorful phrases like "slut" and "bitch" are replaced with the term "bimbo" - "Oh, my God! I can't believe she called me a bimbo!" It's hilarious!
--Jon in Hornbeak, TN

Well, it's not exactly an R rated movie, but I am partial to the first Back to the Future edited for television. There is nothing in the world that gets your attention when Marty(Michael J. Fox) yells, "jeez louise...jeez louise Doc, you disintegrated Einstein!"
--Shank in Hannibal, MO

instead of will ferell saying cock and balls in the scene he says cotton balls. very funny
--Ben in Southgate, MI

In Die Hard 3 Samuel L. Jackson says "Melon Farmers"
--Robert in Pittsburgh, PA

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is filled with language not appropriate for television. My favorite line, when it's edited for TV, is when Ferris explains to the audience that "Cameron so tight, if you stuck a diamond [in his fist] in two weeks you'd have a diamond." [In his fist] replaces [up his ass]. Not as effective, though still funny to see Ferris mouth words that don't match up.
--Glenn in Grass Valley, CA

The Big Lebowski "See what happens when you meet a stranger in the Alps" = "See what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass"
--Cory in Springfield, MO

My favorite example of why movies suck on basic cable is the hilariously edited version of Die Hard 2: Die Harder years ago on TBS. During the awesome scene where the plane filled with terrorists is leaving, the gasoline is pouring out from the wing, and good ol' Bruce Willis is just about to throw his lighter at the trail of gas...instead of uttering his famous signature line (yippee-kai yay, mother @#$%er!), TBS replaced it with, "Yippee kai yay, Mister Falcon!" Ia all fairness, many, many years ago, CBC cut all the F-bombs out of the original Die Hard, and it actually made Bruce Willis appear even more like a thinking man's action hero -like he was really pondering his next move, rather than swearing about it. But still, Die Hard 2 on TBS was a classic. Mr. Falcon, indeed.
--Greg

I couldn't find a clip of it, but when the showed the movie "The Principal" with Jim Belushi some years ago, the edited line might even be re-edited itself. Set it up for you. 2 high schoolers acting bad ass in the Principal's office when asked their names, in turn, "Eat Shit" and "Fuck You", show in response Belushi called them Mr Shit and Mr Fuck. I guess what they changed it to had to do with the race of who was in the odffice because the line became "Mr Black" and "Mr White".
--Jason in Croydon, PA

People certainly do love Die Hard, Old School and The Big Lebowski -- and for good reason. I love them as well, even if the foul language is hilariously dubbed.